


Back through the train station

by larissita



Series: Back and into the rabbit hole [3]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Post-Prince Caspian, Sibling Bonding, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:54:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22783621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larissita/pseuds/larissita
Summary: Being back once more seems to break their hearts just a little more. Though Edmund and Lucy feel a little better at the idea of returning once more but it could be far in Narnia’s futur. Which is not the case for Peter and Susan. The finality tastes bitter in their mouths, bile rising up and Peter wants to die and Susan wants to curse Aslan for making them suffer this way. She hates him for dangling the possibility of a “once more” in the faces of her siblings. She hates him for putting so much hope and sadness in Lucy’s eyes. Susan hates how Edmund tried to look back to Narnia, knowing how much he craves to stay there. And Peter feels defeated, like the Lion finally had the mercy of biting his throat and ripping it away. And everything feels wrong once again. They barely got to stay this time around but the feeling of belonging had been even stronger this time around. None of them felt alive outside of Narnia. That was the simple truth.
Relationships: Edmund Pevensie & Lucy Pevensie & Peter Pevensie & Susan Pevensie
Series: Back and into the rabbit hole [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632655
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	Back through the train station

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so same idea, it is a follow up and I'm really wondering if I should just write what happens in between too. This completely took over my life. I'm in the middle of examens and I'm doing this instead...  
> So this is the person who's at fault (thewoodlandqueen) since they wrote this little thing https://thewoodlandqueen.tumblr.com/post/190656553156/the-pevensies-after-narnia?fbclid=IwAR3UTNYD8kFHFNNjhqSKnoPnJlS8qItoYFuX8_DvpqgVVe74_6jlJstvcTY  
> My life is a mess...

Being back once more seems to break their hearts just a little more. Though Edmund and Lucy feel a little better at the idea of returning once more but it could be far in Narnia’s futur. Which is not the case for Peter and Susan. The finality tastes bitter in their mouths, bile rising up and Peter wants to die and Susan wants to curse Aslan for making them suffer this way. She hates him for dangling the possibility of a “once more” in the faces of her siblings. She hates him for putting so much hope and sadness in Lucy’s eyes. Susan hates how Edmund tried to look back to Narnia, knowing how much he craves to stay there. And Peter feels defeated, like the Lion finally had the mercy of biting his throat and ripping it away. And everything feels wrong once again. They barely got to stay this time around but the feeling of belonging had been even stronger this time around. None of them felt alive outside of Narnia. That was the simple truth.

So they get on the train, Edmund realizes he lost his brand new torch in Narnia. And they all know that being in this world feels completely wrong but they have no power. Being in Narnia everything felt right. The ecstasy of seeing the sea once more, feeling the sand under their feet, the salty smell of their home. Because in the most intimate way, Cair Paravel is their home forever more. And after being back once more things are harder than they used to be once more. Because in this world nothing has changed, they go ho home and they grow bored and they are ignored. No one really listens to them, really listens. They are too clever and too quiet for the others to understand. Adults don’t even get their name right.

Peter doesn’t pick up fights anymore after that, he doesn’t seem to have the strength. Before he had been upset, full of rage at the world from making him a king but taking his kingdom away. But Peter always had a temper and Edmund had always been the voice of reason. Edmund had been a soft whisper in his ear as they held court telling him to calm down. Edmund had been the touch of reason as they tried to deal with one more war that needed to be fought for Narnia. Edmund was the voice of reason when dignitaries from Calormen or Archaland came to the castle. While Peter was the king with a temper, the one fighting battles and whose temper was explosive, Edmund was the calm to a cold point. Peter was a longsword long, heavy and completely unyielding. Edmund was a dagger, shorter and easier to hide but deadlier once close enough to it’s target.

Susan doesn’t talk about Narnia anymore, she ignore every word of it. As they get on with the school year she puts on rouge. Hiding her misery under a smile of red lips, behind talk about boys with a group of girls in her class. She hides and ignores it, just as she ignores Lucy because she simply can’t stand the pain. So Susan wears rouge like an armour, faking it until she forgets who she was once upon a time. In another time, in another life, in another world. Until Narnia becomes the memory of a simple children’s game. One she has outgrow. And in the smallest corner of her soul Susan hopes that the war would have spared them all, but the wars don’t spare children. And Aslan didn’t spare her and her siblings and she resents him. But Lucy was the light, she was the belief in Aslan, she could never doubt him, not really. And valiant Lucy tries to talk to her sister, careful and patience but Susan doesn’t listen. Why won’t she listen? When Lucy asks about Caspian to Susan, she simply says that she hadn’t kissed him, she had kiss Narnia goodbye for good, for the very last time. A small comfort for the one who had been ripped away before and knew she would never see it anymore.

Their boarding schools are close, divided only by the tall walls between them and a street, a few yards away only but it seems like worlds apart. They still meet. For important things. They meet at Samhain while the other kids in the school gorge themselves with sugary treats the parents send for the special occasion. They steal some apples from the kitchen and a few matches and they make a fire in the woods at the back of the boy’s school. They mourn around the fire, completely honest with themselves for the first time since they came back from Narnia. And even Susan, with her attitude too cold and her lips pursed in hate lets it all out and cries. And her tears help a little but not enough, nothing seems to be enough lately. And Peter doesn’t cry, but his head feels naked without a crown and his hands ache without a sword. Edmund cries in silence like he has since the witch. Before that he had sobbed, asking for his mother’s arms what seemed like another lifetime and someone who wasn’t him. Now he cried in perfect silence, tears rolling down cheeks that made them itch, and eyes that closed in silent pain. And Lucy cries with a smile because every memory brings her as much pain as it does happiness. And she keeps talking through her shaky voice, her tongue rolling through every name and detail with pure ecstasy. Because while the others may forget, Lucy’s blessing and curse that she will always remember. And that hurts just as much as it brought her a deep delight.

And they meet again for Yule. This time they make their way to the professor’s house, their parents now gone to America. Of course they could have stayed at school but somehow that wouldn’t have felt right either. And being at the professor’s bring a new type of delight, the freedom of being themselves. Of being able to talk as adults and being taken just as seriously as adults would. And Peter and Edmund fight with the woods sword they made with are now too small for their hands. And Susan used her bow who’s too frail and small for her too. And Lucy’s dagger get thrown around, so small and weak now that it cracks. But the pleasure of being themselves is there, present and shining like the first sun of spring after a particularly rough winter. And when they eat and celebrate Yule they can remember other ones. Others long gone, completely forgotten through a millennia of history in Narnia. The first winter after they were crowned, the narnias had been scared. They had been scared that the winter would came back again and never leave and that Narnia would be cursed forever. So the kings and queens of Narnia had made it their mission to make winter as pleasant as possible. Susan had prepare for a magnificent feast for all of those who wanted to be present. Lucy had taken care of decorating all the castle and organising musicians to play throughout the night. Edmund had taken care of the invitations, careful to leave no one out, he knew certains talking animal and dryads slept through the winter but the invitations would still be appreciated. And Peter had organise winter games for the younger ones and tournaments for the soldiers and older people. It had become a tradition for the rest of their reign and the narnias had come to love Yule little by little, until the memory of the White Witch wasn’t so present anymore for most of people. Narnia had started to heal. And then, they had disappeared.

Christmas comes and passes and then it’s the new year before the siblings can blink, and just a day after, the world seems to break away. The happiness of the holidays and the new year fade away and took the carefree days with it and soon enough the Pevensie’s had to go back to school. They would be leaving soon and the tension was rebuilding at the idea that they had to go back to the reality of grey England, and everything comes crashing down.

“I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER! I hate it, I hate it all...”

Peter and Edmund ran upstairs, nearly hitting the door and collapsing on the floor of the room their sisters shared. They came in to found Susan sobbing and Lucy sitting on her bed, tears and confusion painted on her face. Susan was crying so hard she was shaking, it had been a very long time since their siblings had seen her this way, maybe her first heartbreak back in Narnia. Back then she had quickly understood that she would never marry for anything else than duty. Peter, Susan and Edmund had known the weight of the crown. It’s not like they could marry Lucy off, that had been impossible, the narnians loved her too much and Lucy had been known as the virgin queen to most of their subjects.

“I don’t want to remember, they threw us aside, after we gave them everything. We gave them everything! They have forsaken us. I just want to forget.”

“But Susan… That’s not…” Lucy tried to beg in a small voice.

Susan felt exactly how they all felt, they would lie if they said anything else. They all felt a little abandoned by Narnia but it would always be home no matter what. But Lucy had tried to talk to Susan because Lucy truly believed in Aslan. And Edmund knew better than to doubt Aslan by now, he could never doubt him after he learned of the sacrifice, no one in his family had told him but he had learned of it by his own means. And perhaps Edmund should leave Peter and Lucy to take care of Susan, after all he was never the softest with other people. But he also knew that if he left Peter and Lucy take care of it, then Lucy would be too hurted and Peter would let go of their sister. So really, he needed to act now.

“Queen Susan of Narnia, that is no way of speaking of your kingdom.” Edmund’s voice was soft but firm, and he stood like he did as a king, back in Narnia, head straight, shoulders back, hands holding themselves in front of him. He may not be wearing his crown but then again, the other people in the room didn’t need to see it to know. This wasn’t their little brother Ed, this was Edmund, the Just King.

“Aren’t you tired Ed? I’m exhausted of getting my heart broken. We gave Narnia our everything! We never married for love, we never even gave ourselves that chance. We were never free. We never belonged to ourselves. We spent years at war, more years making treaties for peace that never seemed to last and Aslan judged us! We didn’t ask for that power, for the responsibility and when finally we settled into our roles we came back here. And we can never go back… I want to go back home.”

And Susan sounded so very broken that Edmund wanted to hug her, hold her close and let her know that she could forget. That she could just let it go. Blissful forgetness. But kings and queens never get to let go, their last drop of blood belongs to their country.

"Susan, the gentle queen. He knew what he was doing. It is not our right to question him. He's not a tame lion and we all know so. He put the crowns on our heads and he knew exactly who and what we were and would become."

"I'm so tired Ed, I just want to forget, it would be better. I can't keep doing this I want to go back, and be twelve, and not worry about how I look. I want that prophecy to rest on my shoulder like a familiar coat of fur. When we could believe in a lion and a bow that would alway be true. I can’t."

Edmund kneeled before Susan, his hands taking hers, his face softening. Had he ever seen his beautiful sister this way? The idea of seeing her cry made him furious, and the image of it breaks his heart.

"Susan, I know you're tired, I am sometimes too. Some nights I still have nightmares and others I can't close my eyes at all. We're all going through this. You're not alone darling sister. I'm sure Aslan knew how strong you are, and he knew how much stronger going through this would make you. He never gave us anything more than what we could handle before. And I know that it hurts to know you will never go to Narnia again but Susan, we can be free now. You can find a lad and marry him for love. You get to have a very long and happy life. You can have kids, and the gods know that those kids would be spoiled by us, we will adore them. We all get to have a career, we may not take care of a country anymore, but we can care for this world in smaller ways. We get to have mom and dad for so many more years. We can talk to them, put those insecurities we had in another life to rest. We will care for each other, no matter the distance. We're here for eachother. But Susan forgetting about Narnia is denying what we all went trough over there. It's denying us, all of us and the changes it caused, and the experiences and all the trust we have for each other. And I know you can't do that. I would never do it, because sister, you were a wonderful queen and it's part of you. It's a part we love dearly and could never forget. And the order may be a little messed up but we can be kids, we can play hide and seek, and read unimportant but wonderful books. We get to spend days laying around under the sun in the shade of threes. We get to explore this world, we get to dance without counting our steps in court. I know Peter hated it."

The last comment got a little wet laugh out of Susan, he smile broken but present. And that was a victory, Edmund sat up next to her and hugged her gently until she calm down completely. Peter sat down on her other side, Lucy cuddled against him.

“There are so many things we never need to worry about anymore. We don’t need to worry about looking presentable in the morning. We don’t need to worry about having a little too much to drink and making a diplomatic mess. Do you have any idea how much that reassures me? It was exhausting cleaning Pete’s messes with the ladies of the court.”

This actually got some giggles out of all his siblings. And Edmund smiled.

“I’m serious, the number of maids crying on my shoulders was way too high.”

Now there were laughs washing the pain and the tears away. And it felt good to old his family close, to be able to comfort them when they felt pass the breaking point. If you’ve ever stayed up all night and cried until your eyes ran out of tears, then you must know that there comes a time, in the end, of pure quietness. You feel as if nothing else would ever happen again. You seem to float out of existence. Edmund spoke before he could think, feeling like this moment was important.

“Let’s make a promise.”

“What do you mean Ed?” Asked Lucy, her voice still small and a little broken from crying.

“Let’s make a promise, a vow, like the ones we did when we were crowned. Let’s promise to always find our way back to each other. No matter what happens in any world or any time. No matter what, when the time comes… Promise we will find each other at the very end of the world, in Aslan’s country and go to the beach and play in the sea.”

The promise is made, even though it’s not verbal they all know it and hear it. They hear it in the way they hold each other just a little closer. They see in the newfound courage of Susan’s eyes. They hear when they talk of the funniest moments they had in Narnia. They feel it in the way they sleep that night, on the floor, like they’re toddlers and small children again. When their mother would put a cover on the floor so Lucy would learn to crawl without hurting herself and his siblings would watch. And they feel the promise long after, when things get better.

They grow some more and still have some episodes but it’s better.

Lucy sometimes can’t remember how it feels to be unimportant and small. She sometimes thinks that war is less frightening than the ignorance of this world.

Susan wakes up some nights wondering if the lives of the people she knew were lived well. She sometimes catches the date and celebrates the birthday of a long dead friend.

Edmund sometimes still has night terrors, his worse sins only a weigh in his mind. For no one will ever call him a traitor. He’s no longer broken, no longer haunted by the child he used to be, because that child is long dead. But somehow it doesn’t wash the sin away, only makes it slightly better. A small silver lining.

Peter sometimes feels the rage of a lion inside of him and he wants to fight again. And the adults call it puberty, not seeing the shadows in his eyes. The shadows are the same that can be seen in the eyes of old soldiers. Because Peter is High King, he had learn to commande and now commands only shadows and emptiness. But responsibility and questions sometimes feel heavy on his shoulders still.

The Pevensies are slowly drifting through the war. A war not fought with swords and shields and frangs, the type they could win. But a war of fire and smoke that they are too small to fight. There is no lion that would come to save them, not in this world. No lion except the one they decide to carry. And that’s enough. A little bit of Aslan creeps into them slowly. There is a bite to Lucy, she is no child. There is a strength in Susan’s spine, she is not weak. There is a softness to Edmund, he is not cold. There is a reckless hope in Peter’s eyes, he will become what he had once been, not a king, but someone respected for what he was.

When Beltane comes, bringing the taste of the flower blooms in the warm air, they dress in white. The make flower crowns and go to the forest again. They steal berries and make a soft juice out of it. It’s not perfect, it’s not as sweet and the air doesn’t taste of salt but it’s enough. They make a fire when the sun sets and dance around it, dancing steps familiar but with complete abandon. Peter and Susan never danced at the Beltane fires back in Narnia, but it didn’t matter. Is not perfect but it’s close enough. They made flower crowns and it feels like they’re kings and queens again and they dance the night away. A small radio playing against the trunk of one of the trees. There are no fauns, and there are no dryads dancing around them but this is close enough.

The school year comes to an end and they spend the summer at the professor’s again and they celebrate the old narnia’s rituals. And between that, life keeps going on. Peter and Susan find themselves summer jobs. And another year comes and goes. They see Polly Plummer at the professor’s house. Peter gets accepted into Cambridge, he’s doing history, with a focus on theologie. His hands are soft, not longer used to hold a sword, now he holds a pen and his hand cramps. Another year and they still meet for the holidays, they talk about Narnia with fondness, slowly but surely moving on without forgetting. By the third year, Baltane is a not so well kept secret. Students from both schools escape from the high walls and come dance around the fire and the older ones drink, Peter drives from Cambridge. The Pevensies stand out around the messy greys and school uniforms, all dressed in white and with flower crowns. They dance to an unknown melody, the steps strange to everyone else. When that year comes to an end, they are separated. The professor loses the house and moves into a smaller place that cannot fit them all. Peter goes over to his house, he’s 19 and explains to his parents that the professor has a library that he needs for his studies. Susan is 17 and has enough money for the plane ticket to go to America to her parents. Edmund is 15 and Lucy 13 and they have to stay over at their aunt and uncle.

They have to endure their cousin for all the summer and both Lucy and Edmund are fascinated by the painting in the attic.

It really looks like a narnian ship taking to sea. So beautiful.

Then the water spills over.


End file.
